October 23rd, 2009
I haven’t made any updates for almost 9 days. The following was the last thing I wrote that I hadn’t posted and it was for October 15, 2009, just to give you a picture of where I left off.
http://fallenseeker.wordpress.com/2009/10/23/back-at-0/
The first few days of this project, I was filth free for a day or two, and then back at 0, then filth free again for a day or two, then back at 0. But every time I watched porn or did masturbation – I felt bad, because I knew I had a goal to stay filth free, and I knew I had to post up what I did here on this blog.
I’m telling you now, for the past 9 days I have been spiraling downwards. I don’t feel bad when I masturbate or watch porn, its just something I do – not something horrible. In the last 9 days, I can’t recall a single day without masturbation or porn.
I pretty much gave up doing Fallen Seeker updates because all there would be to write was the filth that I did. I feel totally powerless in comparison to where I was when I started this project.
In the last 9 days, I think the real soul-killing thing I did is that I have completely left prayer – and I feel sick, and empty. Last night I prayed Maghrib and had almost had a restless feeling to finish my prayer and go do something else. I started listening to music again too and I feel heedless - I feel like a drunk person with no care in the world, no direction in life, just wandering with his eyes closed consuming more and more of his drink, lost in his intoxication – I feel lost and that I’m going nowhere, and I see no light at the end of the tunnel. But that’s only because for some reason I have decided to close my eyes.
This morning on a FRIDAY!!!! – I went off again and masturbated, I tried to watch porn and couldn’t get any privacy, so instead I just masturbated without porn. (I’m being as honest as possible, because knowing that I have tor record everything as honestly as possible in the future is going to keep me from masturbating or watching porn – but that in itself is not enough of a motivator to stay filth free.) After I masturbated, I realized I had to pray Juma, and didn’t want to miss it. By the way, I missed the last week Juma prayer – and I think that is the big starting point of my decline in being a good Muslim over the last 9 days.
The person who misses 2 Jumas on purpose gets a black stain on his heart – I have missed many Juma’s and I don’t even know what to do about it in terms of repentance. But I sure am NOT going to miss Juma today. Because as of this moment I’m sick of this drunkenness, this heedlessness, this not caring for my connection with the religion, my connection with the Prophet may peace be upon him, my connection with Allah Almighty. My heart is like a lump of stone right now, and I can feel how cold it is.
I want to re-ignite my intention to stay filth free, and stay filth free forever. And I want to re-ignite that intention everyday, and until I do so, obsessively wanting nothing more than to be filth free, and to fulfill my obligations as a Muslim, I’m not going to win this thing.
What I have learned:
You can NEVER feel hopeless – and I feel funny as I’m typing it, after all of the repeated failures I have posted on here. One of the reasons for my downwards spiral is I started looking at all of my failures and feeling like there is no point, that I’m hopeless, I can’t win, there’s just too much temptation from every direction.
As soon as you start thinking like that you’re done, as soon as you start giving excuses for behavior like this your done, as soon as you stop expecting more from yourself because you know that deep down you have the potential to be a person with upright character and good principles – you’re DONE, the game is over, because once you stop believing in yourself, you know longer have the heart needed to win.
Anthony Robbins says: there is no such thing as failure only results.
So what I’m posting is not a story of failure, it is a story of my results – how I got those results, and how I can change my behavior so I can then change those results. I am going to win this thing – it is only a matter of time.
Like a baby learning to walk, who falls over and over again, and yet gets up again as if he’s going to march all over the world, just to fall once again – I will continue in my struggle until that day when I stop falling. That baby never gets tired of continuing its struggle, that baby has stamina and persistence – and one day, like magic, that baby will walk.
One of the main ingredients is emotional stamina.It’s emotionally exhausting to have to beg for forgiveness and make dua everytime you commit such filth. It’s emotionally exhausting to say NO to easily accessible filth. It’s emotionally exhausting to get up after you have fallen and say, “I can do it, I can stop masturbating and stop watching pornography forever”. It’s emotionally exhausting to stay persistent – unless the knowledge that reaching your goal to stay filth free would provide you with so much happiness – that just the very thought of it all would give you the energy needed to struggle on and be persistent.
I will be persistent, no matter how emotionally exhausting it is, until I can stand with my own two feet and proudly say that I am free of filth, that I pray 5 times a day, that I love my religion, and I love my Prophet (may peace be upon him), and I love Allah Subhana wa Ta’ala.
May Allah Almighty help me with my goal, and forgive me for my terrible sins, and lift the veils that I have covered my own heart with, and grant all of the Muslims the same.
Ameen.
Comments