Back at 0

October 15th, 2009

(This was in my draft box for 9 days before I posted it)

Yesterday was such an amazing day, I prayed ALL of my 5 prayers, I did dhikr like crazy, I didn’t even think of watching porn or masturbation.

After Isha – I went to bed. I couldn’t sleep, I spent 2 and half hours trying to fall asleep – when I got up and started walking around the house. It was about 2am – and I went on the computer and started surfing youtube. It’s very easy to find something that can lead you to filth on youtube, and over the period of a half an hour I started searching worse and worse search terms – until finally I searched porn in itself from other porn websites.

Even while I was watching the porn, I said to myself,

“hey – you’re watching porn right now, and it’s terrible, but just don’t masturbate and you can still have something to be proud of on Fallen Seeker’s Record “.

I ended up masturbating – the terrible smell of ejaculation sickened me. I said something similar to myself  afterwards,

“hey – you masturbated and it’s terrible – but at least you prayed 5 times today, just pray Fajr in the morning and you’ll still have something to be proud of on Fallen Seeker’s Record”

I ended up sleeping through Fajr – I’m back at 0 for everything – and it sucks, the ratio of “0′s” in the titles of my posts to the number of posts themselves is very disappointing – it’s down right pitiful.

Analysis:

In the last few days, I haven’t ever masturbated without watching porn. I think porn is the bigger issue here. If I stop watching porn, I will have a significantly less chance of masturbating. I can almost kill two birds with one stone.

The psychological effects of porn are much worse than that of masturbation alone, it really stimulates your brain in a very negative way. You look at women like objects to be consumed, instead of people to be appreciated. The pornographic themes really impress on your mind and things like extra-marital relationships don’t bother you as much as it should.

Solution:

I neeeeeed something to do OTHER than going on the computer in my vacant time.

I need to learn to STAY AWAY from the computer.