Assalamualaikum,

Ramadan is here, and I’m doing my best to stop masturbating and watching porn completely. Inshallah, this will be the month that I can leave it for good. This is my 3rd day of fasting, and the weight of filth is burdensome.

The first day I was too busy with family events do have time to think or carry out any sort of filth. I was lowering my gaze all the time, keeping myself away from the television, away from the computer, and busy with work. When I left my house my eyes were cast downwards.

The second day was really hard. I was checking my e-mail, and went over to Google News to check on things, and I saw a little picture of a celebrity and about her performance at some Teen Choice Awards music festival. Let’s call this celebrity Person A.

I got really angry. She’s known for her whorish music videos, and I was shocked that she did a performance at a kids show.

I convinced myself that I had to make sure that she wasn’t wearing anything too vulgar considering the audience was just kids. So I youtubed “Person A teens choice awards”. MISTAKE!

I want to re-iterate that I’ve been watching hardcore porn for at least 10 years, really hardcore, to be shamefully honest. Yet the clothing and dance moves that this singer was using at a children’s show was enough to arouse me (and anger me, because there were kids in the audience). It’s disgusting that there are boys in the audience who will become hyper-sexualized from watching Person A, and girls in the audience who will look towards Person A as their role model, and will mimic her dance moves and clothing.

Although I convinced myself that the reason I wanted to youtube her was to “make sure that she wasn’t wearing anything too revealing”, there were obviously more sinister motives that I didn’t want to acknowledge.

The kids who commented on the youtube video were cheering her on. Some were comparing here to another musician, Person B. I quickly youtubed Person B, watched a few music videos, disgusted but aroused. The filth aroused me, and sooner or later I realized I had crossed a line and was fooling myself into thinking that I was doing “research” on the epidemic that children are becoming hyper-sexualized.

That’s how filth gets you, it lures you in.

This was all happening while I was fasting, early on in the day. Only Allah knows if my fast was accepted that day, I made dua and pleaded for forgiveness and strength during Taraweeh time.

I didn’t masturbate from those youtube videos, and I didn’t lead myself to googling porn videos. But after about an hour of youtubing and watching music videos,  I had a full erection and my underwear was wet with pre-ejaculatory fluid. I went to the washroom and ran cold water over my private parts until I calmed down, then took a shower and prayed. Even after that, images from the music videos flashed in my mind. Thoughts would emerge when in bed and trying to go to sleep, when I woke up in the morning and when I was still in my bed, trying to get a few more minutes rest. The thoughts are always there trying to invade my mind.

Even writing this blog entry is stimulating me, images are flashing in my mind from those music videos that were especially powerful and right now as I type those images are stimulating a similar arousal. However, me acknowledging this fact and being completely honest with myself is countering the effects of those flashes, reminding me that I’m here on this blog to become filth-free. Writing about this is an experience in itself.

Lowering your gaze will Sensitize you Sexually

If you watch hardcore porn all day long, a girl walking down the street in a mini-skirt to you is like a brick wall. There is little or no arousal.

If you lower your gaze, keeping your eyes downcast and your head away from the TV/Internet, a glimpse of that same girl walking down the street in the same mini-skirt will send electric pulses through your blood.

That’s what happened to me with Person A, I kept myself away from hardcore porn, and within a day, a mere celebrity with certain dance moves and skimpy clothing had such huge effects on me.

I was sensitized sexually

Why is it that the Men of the Sahaba RA were asked to lower their gaze to such an extent? The prescription given to them [and to us], was to not indulge in a second glance at a woman walking by. The first glance is incidental, the second one has lustful intentions.

But think about it! The women of that time were Sahaba too – they were completely covered! They lowered their voices, they practiced exemplary modesty – there would be nothing to see even if you had a second look (na’uzubillah)!

And on the other hand, the male Sahaba were mutaqieen – people who FEARED and LOVED Allah. Their character was pure, they wouldn’t even have lustful intentions for anyone but their spouses. They feared Allah! Why would anyone in the context of that much taqwa have to worry about lowering their gaze?!

You would think that they wouldn’t even need to worry about lustful intentions – right? WRONG!

With all of this piety comes forth sensitization, the more pious you are the more you become sensitized sexually.

The guy who doesn’t ever look at girls will be extremely aroused when he sees one with revealing clothing.

Why sexual sensitivity is painful but good

Sensitivity is really hard to endure. I felt it yesterday when all of this Person A/Person B drama happened, but I made dua last night during Taraweeh and I feel like my burden has significantly lessened. I haven’t thought of any filth thoughts today at all, alhamdulillah.

Sensitivity is good in the long run with marriage. When you are lowering your gaze and you “have eyes for no one except your spouse”, the sexual energy between you and your spouse is intense. Imagine all of the pent up energy you would have while lowering your gaze all day long, not glancing at a single woman’s face, keeping your eyes away from billboards, away from magazine stands, the dirty ads on television, and the dirty ads on the internet. Lowering your gaze at those times is really an acknowledgement of the fact that those things; billboards, magazine stands, and internet ads are sexually arousing to you, and you are keeping yourself away from it because it is wrong. In other words, the thought of sexual satisfaction is on your mind you’re just trying to safeguard yourself from it, but you if there was a halal way to get a sexual release, you could really use one at that time, except there is ONLY one halal way to get that sexual release: having a spouse!

You would come home to your wife, with this intense sexual energy pent up inside of you, that builds up naturally even without any stimulation. Both of you have these intense feelings for eachother fueled by all of the energy it took both of you to lower your gaze for the whole day. That kind of intense emotion translates to only one three-lettered word.

And that kind of intense sex can only happen between a husband and wife, because Allah willed it so. That sexual energy is not only healthy, but needed for a strong marriage, and it all stems from lowering the gaze. It’s ironic, but it means that lowering the gaze now means better sex later. This is for both long term and short term lowering the gaze,

An extension to this is lowering your gaze BEFORE you get married.

The sexual feelings you will have for your wife will be all the more intense if you have refrained from masturbation for YEARS and have guarded yourself from every possible enticing glance of any other girl in your class, lab, workplace, dirty ad, and of course through porn.

You’ll be pent up with all of this energy waiting for a release, and then WAM – marriage! The sexual satisfaction between you and your spouse will ONLY be for you and your spouse, it can’t come from anywhere else, and it is all the more special and all the more intense. Your wife will be the only one to please you sexually, and it will make her all the more special. How would you react to her given that you lowered your gaze the way I described. Compare that to this!

So yeah, it’s hard to be that sensitive, and it’s hard to lower your gaze, but it’s worth it once you get married and enjoy a sexual intensity that cannot be competed with!

In conclusion,

Staying filth-free makes you more sensitized as you progress, which requires you to stay even further away from filth-ridden environments, to the point where you don’t even indulge in that second glance. In the mean time, since I’m not going to get married anytime soon, I need to do a lot of fasting, and distract myself from my hormones to the best of my ability. Even spending too much time on this blog, talking about having sex with a non-existent wife isn’t doing me any favors. I’m writing all of this for the benefit of the reader, to realize that there ARE positive things to look forward to, even sexually, if you lower your gaze!

And guess what? Young Muslims WANT TO DATE, they want to mingle and flirt, they want to have girlfriends/boyfriends, they want to make-0ut and go to coffee shops together. I know because I am a young Muslim, and although I’ve never gone as far as dating, I’ve come pretty close – and I am a firsthand witness of Muslims friends (some of whom who memorized half of the Quran) who dated other people, dated girls who aren’t Muslim or who are Muslim and who don’t wear hijab – either way it doesn’t matter because DATING IS HARAM.

The social pressure of movies, music, and television have developed in us a longing for immediate companionship. In fact, the longing for companionship itself is completely innocent and intrinsic to human nature, but dating is not a valid way to get that companionship. I explain why a little below, but one obvious Muslim reason is that is haram, the wisdom behind that Islamic ruling is sometimes hard for people to understand especially when triggered by such passions as attraction for somebody or “falling in love”.

For the Muslims addicted to pornography and masturbation, you are most likely either involved in a dating relationship, were once involved, or have never been involved but dream about it, and imagine and fantasize what it would be like to have a girlfriend/boyfriend to kiss, and hug, and maybe even have sex with. Perhaps you even masturbate to these types of thoughts.

And here is where I make a critical point:

You need to want to be married. It needs to be a goal that you look forward to in the near future (within a few years). If you find yourself imagining how nice it would be to date some girl (or some boy) you seriously need to change your mindset. Think about being married instead,  if not you have completely bought into the invalid idea of the dating scheme and it leads to a dissatisfied life and I can explain it below:

What dating really proposes is a “casual love” without any real commitments. And how can you have love for someone without showing any commitments or making any real sacrifices?!!! Young Muslims in the West who went to public highschools have seen students going out and saying “I love you” to eachother, and yet breaking up after weeks. Even if their relationship lasts for the 4 years of highschool (which is rarely ever the case), these kids haven’t been through any real life experiences or have had to sacrifice anything, they haven’t really made any commitments. When you are married, and you have to settle conflicts between your mother and your wife, and you have to sacrifice the things you want to buy like clothes because your wife wants a nice apartment, or needs a nice dress for an upcoming dinner party, or wants you to clean up the house when you get home from work when you want to play videogames, or wakes you up at 2am because she needs you to rub her back and you have to leave for work at 6am, and when she screams at you for forgetting to put the cap on the toothpaste and you don’t say anything even though you’re pissed, and when she crashes the car on her way to the grocery store, and you don’t yell at her and you comfort her, even though you’re pissed and will have to pay increased insurance for the nest 5 years – and you actually do it all without fighting, than that’s when your “I Love You” means something.

The dating scene is a joke -> its a game. What’s the point? Where is it going? If you have no commitment to this person, and they have no commitment to you, then why are you even starting a relationship that statistically is going to end in weeks?

Because it is NOT a relationship, it is a chance to have fun with the idea of “love”. Because TV and Western Culture has taught you that kissing, and hugging, and singing songs, and roses, and choclates, are all “love”. Although all of those things feel nice, and are sometimes small tokens of showing affection they don’t show the strength of love that is tested by facing a difficulty. Real love is proven through the pain you are willing to endure. If you’ve ever heard a woman giving birth to a child, and heard the pain in her voice –> well that is love, that is the pain that the mother is willing to go through just to have a child. And when the child gets older and cries in the middle of the night, or wets the bed, and the mother has got to drag herself out of the bed and hold this urine-soiled child and clean everything up at 3:00 am, then you’ll know what love is.

That’s the kind of ironclad love that a marriage demands and a girlfriend/boyfriend dating “casual love” can never ever have. A marriage is a lifetime commitment that you will be with this person forever. If you can have that kind of ironclad relationship –> why waste time dating?

If you have strong feelings for someone, and they have strong feelings for you, and you have the guts and the maturity to commit yourself to the responsibilities of a real relationship, it doesn’t take long to figure out if you are both compatible. The next step is really just getting married.

This does not contradict my last post.What it is saying is that although marriage is a fundamental component of becoming and staying filth free, it is not the complete solution.

Here is some proof of that:

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-husbands-porn-watching-has-put-me-in.html

Go through that page. There are tons of online posts like these that you can find within seconds on any search engine.

It is truly heartbreaking. These are the stories of wives who had found their husbands watching pornography and masturbating and it illustrates the mindsets of these husbands and the complete destruction of the wives’ self-esteem, self-respect, love for the husband, and overall happiness.

Still don’t believe that marriage isn’t the all-saving solution?

Read these excerpts from those wives:

I lost it and fell deeper into a depression. I was in shock because I have a very healthy sexual appetite … so I couldn’t understand why he would do it behind my back and feel the need to masturbate when he has unlimited access to me.

He has made me feel so ugly and disgusting and totally betrayed.

Why do men do this? Does it mean that my husband doesn’t like me? Does it mean that my husband wishes I was the porn stars on the videos?

It makes us feel jealous, insecure, cheated on, worthless, nosy, hurt, betrayed.

This is a long one:

I blamed myself and he blamed me. He said, “I do this because you dont’ give me enough sex.” I hated him. I never wanted to sleep with him after that and things got worse. He stayed in the bathroom with the computer and I lay in bed at night and cry. Hating him more and more desiring him less and less. Then I started forcing myself to give him sex even when I didn’t really want to (and I still do it) and I felt like a dirty whore and I began to hate myself. I fell into a deep depression over this. Fights and more fights. I even contemplated suicide. I felt worthless but at the same time like I wasn’t going to be told how many times a week I should be giving ANYONE SEX!!! He says to me, “I’m not saying I am going to cheat on you but one day there is going to be some fine chick who wants to throw it on me, and since you don’t give me any, you are going to make my decision real hard for me.” He may as well have hit me in the face with a baseball bat….it would have hurt a little less. Then I was lost. I didn’t know if I was having sex with him because I wanted to or because he told me I “should” be. I hated sex and I hated that computer.

It is so important to read these excerpts. Ask yourself, do you want to be the kind of guy who causes this kind of pain to your wife? Do you want to be in this position where your wife hates you, and hates herself because of you? Do you think that a married couple can EVER recover 100% of the relationship after a husband engages with this kind of filth – regardless if he later becomes “filth free”?

The answer is no. Once the innocence is gone, it doesn’t come back, neither does the innocence of a new and healthy marriage –> that innocence is delicate and irrecoverable. Sure a marriage can become healthy again after a lengthy and painful process where it may take a decade to regain trust, but you cannot undo what is done, and you cannot erase memories.

• Both can play a huge role in staying filth free,  depending on how you think about marriage. Eg: Do you only think of marriage in terms of having sex?

• If you are addicted to masturbation and porn, there is a 99% chance that you will be addicted to it 5 years after you are married
• Why? Because the sexual gratification of marriage is different than the sexual gratification of masturbation and porn
  • the entire idea of sexual intercourse  is about two people communicating in a very special way that is really a blessing from Allah SWT. It is about GIVING pleasure to your wife or husband out of love and affection. It is about caring about your wife’s pleasure more than your own, it is about sacrifice, it is about making sure she is comfortable the whole time, that she isn’t hurt or treated with out consideration, that she is treated with respect.
  • The entire idea of masturbation and porn goes against sexual intercourse because it is about TAKING, and SELF-SERVING. You just please yourself until you are satisfied and you move on, and that is why you feel so empty afterward, because there is someone else that is supposed to be there sharing the experience with you, who loves you and who you love.
  • Masturbation and porn teach you mental attitudes that completely oppose the mindset needed for a healthy marriage. Pornography is riddled with themes that reduce women to insatiable whores who worship men. It also is riddled with themes about power and authority, and it attempts to associate sex with power and authority and that should never be the case. Intercourse between husband and wife should be mutual, selfless, and harmonious. Pornography makes intercourse look savage, animalistic, selfish, and like a satanic ritual of  the worship of flesh, and this is where the power and authority association comes from.
    • So when you are so used to pleasing yourself, all you will want  is for your wife to please you, and you won’t even care about pleasing her. Your sexual life will be diminished and you will resort to porn and masturbation where you will please yourself as you always have done.
  • because the animalistic themes in pornography are not something that your spouse would feel comfortable with
  • because your spouse isn’t as unlimited in offering sexual gratification as pornography is
  • because your spouse will have a real human body, and the bodies and themes that are shown in pornography are exaggerated caricatures molded from plastic surgery and chemical enhancements, you will see your spouse as unattractive in comparison to the women in pornography
  • The reality is that Allah SWT has created our bodies, and if you find the artificial body of a whore more attractive than the natural one of your spouse created by Allah SWT – then you have deceived yourself by choosing filth over beauty. Moreover, there are perfectly good women out there who have no bad moral qualities and have never done any cosmetic surgeries or chemical treatments that may happen to be more physically beautiful than your wife. Just as there maybe some good and noble men that are more physically handsome than you are. However, what is important to note is that the best of judgments is the judgment of Allah SWT – and how just is He that he does not judge by the beauty of our bodies or our faces, but by the beauty of our hearts! He SWT judges us by our deeds and the purity of our hearts. So what right do we have to judge people, especially our (potential) wives by their appearance, when it is Allah SWT who created all of our figures and from the wisdom of our deen, we shouldn’t judge people for their appearance for which Allah SWT chose, and they had not chosen
  • you will forget that a relationship means much much more than sex
  • when your wife gets pregnant or older, you will undermine her, and betray her f0r what you think is more attractive in pornography
  • because when you are older and have kids, your life will be so busy that it will be hard to find time to have sex with your wife, and you will resort to porn instead because you didn’t give it up before your marriage

• In conclusion, leave masturbation and porn before you get married. That’s what I am trying to do, and that’s what I want to do. It’s not as if you can’t leave it when you are married, but if you aren’t married yet, be sure to become filth free before you marry someone. No spouse deserves the burden of having a partner addicted to filth.

Next post will be about how thinking about marriage CAN help you become filth free.

Uses:

• if you keep masturbating while shutting your mind off to sexual thoughts, you will eventually get bored and tired and stop, or if you keep going for a long time (45 mins – 1 hour), you might climax
• Why is this good?
  • because it means you can relieve the physical side of sexual tension without having to think of sexual thoughts.
  • this isn’t a great solution, but it is a good crutch, a good intermediate and definitely better than watching porn or thinking porn-like thoughts while masturbating
  • the best benefit is the conclusion you come to when you follow through with the experiment

Conclusion? –> it is ALL in the mind. There is no real “addiction” to sexual gratification, there is an addiction to sexual thought. You aren’t addicted to masturbation, you are addicted to thinking about sexual imagery, and as a result you masturbate. Masturbation is a result not a cause. Sexual thought is the cause.

• If you are counting tiles – you’re body could be having sex, but your mind isn’t and you won’t be able to climax. That means sex is the act of the mind before it is an act of the body. If you control the mind, you control the body. Mind over matter, Mind over matter.
• So i think the key to being filth free lies in
  • a) preoccupying your mind by having an active lifestyle
  • b) changing how you feel about sexual imagery or pornography by linking pain to these thoughts

It isn’t surprising that the same inconsistency lies in my success at being “filth-free” of pornography and masturbation.

I think I’m going to leave Fallen Seeker’s Record until I get some consistency in my life. Pornography and masturbation have carved out such a great amount of time in my schedule that when I try to not masturbate or watch porn, I feel bored because I have little else to do, which eventually gets me to start thinking about porn again. If I focus on positive aspects of my life that would fill up that hole in my schedule, I can preoccupy myself and deal with my urges less.

My priorities include:

1) Deen Development –> praying 5 times a day with khushoo, praying in Jamma’ in the masjid, going to weekly halaqas, going to seminars, being involved in the muslim student association in my university, etc.

2) University –> focusing on keeping a high grade point average, preparing myself for exams, completing assignments, extra curricular activities, being a part of student clubs that suit my interests, going to little club events like a talk by some political scientist.

3) Goal tracking –> I need to be actively improving the above two areas in my life by making a daily record of my activities, my downfalls, my victories, and lessons that I learn. If I keep this consistent, I have a much better chance at success.

Until I fix myself up somewhat in the above 3 goals, there’s no way I can successfully kill the monster of pornography and masturbation that is consuming my life. Only when I get stronger in my deen, the positive aspects of my dunya, and my goal making/tracking abilities will I ever have a chance of staying filth free.

What I will do in the mean time is make little posts about thoughts I have about pornography and masturbation, and share useful links. This will keep my mind on my agenda of being filth free, and will be of great benefit to you the reader.

My next post is entitled: Things that I’ve learned over the past few months about filth.

I lost my commitment to post things on the blog, and that is a real loss in my fight to be filth free.

I’ve realized that the thing I really need to focus on is salah. I’ve never really been consistent in my prayer, and have always felt guilty but lazy towards it. There was a time fr about a month when I lived in Saudi Arabia, that I prayed very slowly and had memorized the meanings of the words for salah, and really prayed – to the best of my ability - remembering that Allah Subhanata’ala was before me, thereafter I went for Umrah, and I have even gone for Hajj, staying filth free for my lifetime record of 18days.

Since then I have not established the prayer – and that is the most fundamental deed of any Muslim. I realize now that I need focus in my life and I need to concentrate all of my powers on one goal at a time. And for me, right now, the most important goal is to ESTABLISH prayer 5 times a day, and nothing else really matters.

And there is a difference between just praying five times a day and establishing prayer – it means praying with sincerity, as if you are praying with Allah in front of you, knowing that it could be your last prayer.

That’s the difference, and inshallah I will focus on this goal of prayer first, and staying filth free comes later.

My mantra is : “Not a single lost prayer”

I’ll post some strategies I use to get me through it, but basically i don’t want to focus on any habit as a goal for the next month, not even my studies except for salah.

I haven’t made any updates for almost 9 days. The following was the last thing I wrote that I hadn’t posted and it was for October 15, 2009, just to give you a picture of where I left off.

http://fallenseeker.wordpress.com/2009/10/23/back-at-0/

The first few days of this project, I was filth free for a day or two, and then back at 0, then filth free again for a day or two, then back at 0. But every time I watched porn or did masturbation – I felt bad, because I knew I had a goal to stay filth free, and I knew I had to post up what I did here on this blog.

I’m telling you now, for the past 9 days I have been spiraling downwards. I don’t feel bad when I masturbate or watch porn, its just something I do – not something horrible.  In the last 9 days, I can’t recall a single day without masturbation or porn.

I pretty much gave up doing Fallen Seeker updates because all there would be to write was the filth that I did. I feel totally powerless in comparison to where I was when I started this project.

In the last 9 days, I think the real soul-killing thing I did is that I have completely left prayer – and I feel sick, and empty. Last night I prayed Maghrib and had almost had a restless feeling to finish my prayer and go do something else. I started listening to music again too and I feel heedless - I feel like a drunk person with no care in the world, no direction in life, just wandering with his eyes closed consuming more and more of his drink, lost in his intoxication – I feel lost and that I’m going nowhere, and I see no light at the end of the tunnel. But that’s only because for some reason I have decided to close my eyes.

This morning on a FRIDAY!!!! – I went off again and masturbated, I tried to watch porn and couldn’t get any privacy, so instead I just masturbated without porn. (I’m being as honest as possible, because knowing that I have tor record everything as honestly as possible in the future is going to keep me from masturbating or watching porn – but that in itself is not enough of a motivator to stay filth free.) After I masturbated, I realized I had to pray Juma, and didn’t want to miss it. By the way, I missed the last week Juma prayer – and I think that is the big starting point of my decline in being a good Muslim over the last 9 days.

The person who misses 2 Jumas on purpose gets a black stain on his heart – I have missed many Juma’s and I don’t even know what to do about it in terms of repentance. But I sure am NOT going to miss Juma today. Because as of this moment I’m sick of this drunkenness, this heedlessness, this not caring for my connection with the religion, my connection with the Prophet may peace be upon him, my connection with Allah Almighty. My heart is like a lump of stone right now, and I can feel how cold it is.

I want to re-ignite my intention to stay filth free, and stay filth free forever. And I want to re-ignite that intention everyday, and until I do so, obsessively wanting nothing more than to be filth free, and to fulfill my obligations as a Muslim, I’m not going to win this thing.

What I have learned:

You can NEVER feel hopeless – and I feel funny as I’m typing it, after all of the repeated failures I have posted on here.  One of the reasons for my downwards spiral is I started looking at all of my failures and feeling like there is no point, that I’m hopeless, I can’t win, there’s just too much temptation from every direction.

As soon as you start thinking like that you’re done, as soon as you start giving excuses for behavior like this your done, as soon as you stop expecting more from yourself because you know that deep down you have the potential to be a person with upright character and good principles – you’re DONE, the game is over, because once you stop believing in yourself, you know longer have the heart needed to win.

Anthony Robbins says: there is no such thing as failure only results.

So what I’m posting is not a story of failure, it is a story of my results – how I got those results, and how I can change my behavior so I can then change those results. I am going to win this thing – it is only a matter of time.

Like a baby learning to walk, who falls over and over again, and yet gets up again as if he’s going to march all over the world, just to fall once again – I will continue in my struggle until that day when I stop falling. That baby never gets tired of continuing its struggle, that baby has stamina and persistence – and one day, like magic, that baby will walk.

One of the main ingredients is emotional stamina.It’s emotionally exhausting to have to beg for forgiveness and make dua everytime you commit such filth. It’s emotionally exhausting to say NO to easily accessible filth. It’s emotionally exhausting to get up after you have fallen and say, “I can do it, I can stop masturbating and stop watching pornography forever”. It’s emotionally exhausting to stay persistent – unless the knowledge that reaching your goal to stay filth free would provide you with so much happiness – that just the very thought of it all would give you the energy needed to struggle on and be persistent.

I will be persistent, no matter how emotionally exhausting it is, until I can stand with my own two feet and proudly say that I am free of filth, that I pray 5 times a day, that I love my religion, and I love my Prophet (may peace be upon him), and I love Allah Subhana wa Ta’ala.

May Allah Almighty help me with my goal, and forgive me for my terrible sins, and lift the veils that I have covered my own heart with, and grant all of the Muslims the same.

Ameen.

(This was in my draft box for 9 days before I posted it)

Yesterday was such an amazing day, I prayed ALL of my 5 prayers, I did dhikr like crazy, I didn’t even think of watching porn or masturbation.

After Isha – I went to bed. I couldn’t sleep, I spent 2 and half hours trying to fall asleep – when I got up and started walking around the house. It was about 2am – and I went on the computer and started surfing youtube. It’s very easy to find something that can lead you to filth on youtube, and over the period of a half an hour I started searching worse and worse search terms – until finally I searched porn in itself from other porn websites.

Even while I was watching the porn, I said to myself,

“hey – you’re watching porn right now, and it’s terrible, but just don’t masturbate and you can still have something to be proud of on Fallen Seeker’s Record “.

I ended up masturbating – the terrible smell of ejaculation sickened me. I said something similar to myself  afterwards,

“hey – you masturbated and it’s terrible – but at least you prayed 5 times today, just pray Fajr in the morning and you’ll still have something to be proud of on Fallen Seeker’s Record”

I ended up sleeping through Fajr – I’m back at 0 for everything – and it sucks, the ratio of “0′s” in the titles of my posts to the number of posts themselves is very disappointing – it’s down right pitiful.

Analysis:

In the last few days, I haven’t ever masturbated without watching porn. I think porn is the bigger issue here. If I stop watching porn, I will have a significantly less chance of masturbating. I can almost kill two birds with one stone.

The psychological effects of porn are much worse than that of masturbation alone, it really stimulates your brain in a very negative way. You look at women like objects to be consumed, instead of people to be appreciated. The pornographic themes really impress on your mind and things like extra-marital relationships don’t bother you as much as it should.

Solution:

I neeeeeed something to do OTHER than going on the computer in my vacant time.

I need to learn to STAY AWAY from the computer.