Porn: Starting at 0

October 10th, 2009

Today I came home after hanging out with friends and went on the computer.

As if by a reflex, I started searching up porn. I started clicking on videos and websites, my mind spinning knowing that it was leading me nowhere. The video streaming was slow, so I minimized the internet browser window – got up from the computer and went to the internet modem which is a few feet away, and restarted it. The restarting process takes a few minutes, and so I started pacing.

It was like a war in my head. I kept talking to myself:

“This is going nowhere, it feels good now, but you’ll feel worthless afterwards…we’ve gone through this before….and it never feels good…you’re going to end up masturbating and then you’ll have to take a shower…and then you’ll have to pray for forgiveness from Allah…Allah is WATCHING YOU RIGHT NOW….Shaytaan is WATCHING YOU RIGHT NOW… he wants you to disobey Allah, and Allah wants you to refrain from what is harmful to you, He who has given you everything, your very existence, given you your eyes…the eyes that will bear witness against you on the Day of Judgement”

It was enough – I ran over to the computer and closed the browser. I took a deep breath and started this blog, picked the theme, wrote the “The Story” page, the “Purpose of this Blog” page – everything.

I KNOW I can win these battles in my head – in fact it’s not a battle it’s a choice. When it came down to the love for Allah and the hate for Shaytaan, I said to myself: “What do you love more, that filth on the internet, or Allah? – ANSWER THE QUESTION!!!!”

The answer is simple so simple that it won the battle in my head.

Who has given everything to us? Who has made the deen so easy for us? Who has made it so easy to  be forgiven by Him? Who has put so much detail in the Earth when it is but a speckle of dust floating in a ray of light – that if He wanted He could’ve created us without taste-buds, and yet He has done so that we may taste the orchestra of flavors like that which He has prepared in the bite of a crisp apple.

I love Allah – but then why do I have such vain desires?

Then I thought:

“and Allah has given you something BETTER than the filth on the internet, he has given the option of marriage. A relation of love, not the relation of consumption that is depicted in the filth of pornography. Imagine a beautiful wife, someone who is REAL, someone you can love, someone who loves you, someone that Allah has written for you. Be patient, wait for her, and save your eyes for her.”

The battle ended, the dust had settled, the thunderstorm in my heart had ended, and a new sun broke out from the clouds – and I embraced the light.

Today, I start at 0 days porn-free for that 5 minute problem.

May Allah guide me to the straight path and safegaurd me from vain desires.

Ameen.

Purpose of this Blog

as-salam alaykum,

We live in a polluted world where it is extremely hard to stay pure.

We live in perhaps the most sexually stimulated society in the history of this world. Our food is advertised with sex, our clothing is advertised with sex, our sports activities are advertised with sex, our music is polluted with sex, our movies and television programs are full of sexual stimulation. America’s favorite past time is having sex, and having perverted types of sex. Our children have complete and easy access to the most filthy types of pornography on the internet. It’s almost impossible to escape it – it’s like trying to stay clean while swimming through mud. To stay clean, we must aggressively work to strengthen ourselves, and to strengthen our hearts to not be polluted by vain desires.

I am Fallen Seeker, and I am a Muslim college student who has been addicted to both masturbation and pornography for 7  years. It is a dark and filthy world, and taints the purity of every aspect of life. It is a life of slavery. It is a life of shame. It is a life of filth – and I am committed to change this life of mine.

This blog is a personal journal of my intention to purify myself from the addictions of pornography and masturbation.

I will post how many days it’s been since I have masturbated or have watched pornography. This is an extremely hard thing to do but I think having a personal journal will allow me to analyze myself and my addiction and help me overcome it.

I will write posts maybe 2-3 times a week, maybe less. But I will always be honest about how many days I have gone porn-free, and masturbation free, and will always give updates. It’s extremely hard for me to expose myself in such a way, but I think it’s necessary.

May Allah help us stay clean from vain desires, and help us lower our gaze.

Ameen.