October 10th, 2009
Today I came home after hanging out with friends and went on the computer.
As if by a reflex, I started searching up porn. I started clicking on videos and websites, my mind spinning knowing that it was leading me nowhere. The video streaming was slow, so I minimized the internet browser window – got up from the computer and went to the internet modem which is a few feet away, and restarted it. The restarting process takes a few minutes, and so I started pacing.
It was like a war in my head. I kept talking to myself:
“This is going nowhere, it feels good now, but you’ll feel worthless afterwards…we’ve gone through this before….and it never feels good…you’re going to end up masturbating and then you’ll have to take a shower…and then you’ll have to pray for forgiveness from Allah…Allah is WATCHING YOU RIGHT NOW….Shaytaan is WATCHING YOU RIGHT NOW… he wants you to disobey Allah, and Allah wants you to refrain from what is harmful to you, He who has given you everything, your very existence, given you your eyes…the eyes that will bear witness against you on the Day of Judgement”
It was enough – I ran over to the computer and closed the browser. I took a deep breath and started this blog, picked the theme, wrote the “The Story” page, the “Purpose of this Blog” page – everything.
I KNOW I can win these battles in my head – in fact it’s not a battle it’s a choice. When it came down to the love for Allah and the hate for Shaytaan, I said to myself: “What do you love more, that filth on the internet, or Allah? – ANSWER THE QUESTION!!!!”
The answer is simple so simple that it won the battle in my head.
Who has given everything to us? Who has made the deen so easy for us? Who has made it so easy to be forgiven by Him? Who has put so much detail in the Earth when it is but a speckle of dust floating in a ray of light – that if He wanted He could’ve created us without taste-buds, and yet He has done so that we may taste the orchestra of flavors like that which He has prepared in the bite of a crisp apple.
I love Allah – but then why do I have such vain desires?
Then I thought:
“and Allah has given you something BETTER than the filth on the internet, he has given the option of marriage. A relation of love, not the relation of consumption that is depicted in the filth of pornography. Imagine a beautiful wife, someone who is REAL, someone you can love, someone who loves you, someone that Allah has written for you. Be patient, wait for her, and save your eyes for her.”
The battle ended, the dust had settled, the thunderstorm in my heart had ended, and a new sun broke out from the clouds – and I embraced the light.
Today, I start at 0 days porn-free for that 5 minute problem.
May Allah guide me to the straight path and safegaurd me from vain desires.
Ameen.
Fallen Seeker's Journal 
What I learned from this:
Persistence – keep pushing, keep pushing, keep pushing, and you will get through.
It’s like working out, every push-up hurts, but you have to set your goal and KEEP PUSHING, or when you go for a run, you have to keep pushing yourself. It’s the same thing – just keep talking yourself, keep reminding yourself that this filth is going nowhere, associate pain with the horrible smell that ejaculation makes, and the mes you’ll have to clean up after, and the shame you will have on your next prayer, begging for forgiveness from Allah.
And also remember that Allah is waiting for you to run back to him, prepared to reward you for leaving that sin, the one who loves you more than your own mother.
Persistence is key, you have to emotionally convince yourself.