Everything back at 0

October 13th, 2009

Last couple of days have been rough,

Yesterday, after 3 days of being masturbation-free, I searched up some porn and masturbated – going down to 0 again.

It’s a terrible feeling. It especially sucks to have to write here on this journal – and I think that’s the benefit of this journal – I don’t want to write down that I did any of this filth especially publicly.

3 days is not bad for me – there was a time I use to do it twice or more daily, but I want to stop it forever, so 3 days is obviously not enough.  After I masturbated (I hate saying that)  I looked at the porn that I was watching, and I had a sick feeling. It didn’t seem attractive to me, just dull and ugly, and fake, and unnatural. This dark show that these people are pretending to play, and I am one of the audience members, I am in this pit of a place with all of these other people watching filth, and getting excited over it. It eats at your soul, until your soul no longer exists.

I didn’t pray at ALL yesterday, which made it very easy to slip into this filth. I didn’t wake up for Fajr, and by the time I started searching porn and had masturbated it was Dhuhr time, and instead of praying Dhuhr, I avoided it. I avoided having to ask for forgiveness – and that is so wrong, and so detrimental. By avoiding Dhuhr, I avoided Asr, and I avoided Maghrib, and I slept without praying Isha. This morning I prayed Fajr, but I was a few minutes late of the sunrise.

This was a long weekend, I had Monday off – the entirety of the weekend was spent doing absolutely nothing except for surfing the internet on the computer. I kept preventing myself from watching any porn – even when I searched it – I immediately closed the browser.

I need to spend time away from the computer – if surfing the internet is where all of my leisure time is spent then my mind will wander off to filth. Out of maybe 10-15 hours I spent on the internet this weekend, I spent 5 minutes on porn. I spent the rest of the time on this blog and watching online movies. I spend an extremely small fraction of the time I did this weekend on porn, but those 5 minutes killed me, and polluted my weekend.

I’m back at 0 – and it sucks, and I’ll be back at 0 if I don’t change the pattern of my lifestyle and implement what I have learned this weekend, and the many years before this weekend.

My lifestyle is abnormal. It’s not even the porn or the masturbation. It’s the fact that I spent 10-15 hours on a weekend alone on a computer, when there are people actually enjoying their time with family, or friends, or sports, or other activities.

Weekdays are by default busy, but I should plan for the weekend NOW. I should spend time away from where I live. On the weekend I should go to the university. I can chill in the library, study, workout, go for a bike ride, read a book, do something, whatever it may be.

I have to work on implementing the schedule that works best for me, that includes all 5 prayers, my studies, my chores, my eating, the blog, sleep, everything to keep me busy – and help me LIVE LIFE, and not just be a computer hermit.

Write a post when you’ve implemented this: