Honesty is Hard – Porn back at 0

October 11th, 2009

This is going to suck.

I searched some porn again today – I didn’t actually watch any videos, but I saw the thumbnails of the porn for a split second and then I closed the browser.

Just yesterday I started this blog and made a glorious post about thunderstorms and sunshine, and how I “embraced the light”. I guess it shows how weak I am and how you should never underestimate the power of temptation.

However, I know that I wouldn’t have closed the browser so fast if it hadn’t been for the existence of this blog. I have to record everything honestly on this blog, otherwise there is no point – and I’m just lying to myself. And having to write down publicly that I watched porn (and probably would’ve ended up masturbating – luckily I didn’t) is something extremely hard to do.

But who cares about the public? No one even knows who I am. I am Fallen Seeker – and that’s it. Allah knows exactly who I am, before I was born, before I had a name – why don’t I fear His All-Encompassing Knowledge when I search porn. Why is the publicity of this blog more of a fear to me than Allah?

I’m spiritually disconnected with Allah. How can I fear or love Allah if I don’t even remember him, if I don’t even think about him?

I missed Fajr today too, and Isha the night before, all I prayed today was Dhuhr.

So if the solution is getting spiritually connected then I MUST pray and I must pray ON TIME – and that’s only the beginning – I should be thinking of Allah all the time, but how can I do that until I’m praying 5 times a day?

So I guess my goal is not to just stop watching porn – it’s to pray 5 times a day. In fact, missing prayer is probably more sinful than watching porn or masturbating.

Should I add “prayer” to “Fallen Seeker’s Record” ?

This blog is more of a journal than a blog – I’m going to add prayer to Fallen Seeker’s Record. This is going to be hard. Everything is being exposed.

But in the akhirah – everything is going to be exposed anyways.

“Not a leaf falls but he knows it. There is not a grain in the darkness of the earth nor anything fresh or dry but it is written in a Clear Record” (Quran).

So here we go – I might as well honestly judge myself now – I will be honestly judged in the akhirah.

May Allah guide me to the straight path, and forgive me for the sins I have committed and the prayers I have missed and put in me the thirst for closeness to Him and grant all of the believers the same.

Ameen

Update:

I prayed Asr, and made a HUGE dua, balling my eyes out – my hands covered from wiping the mucous running down from my nose. These kind of duas are the hardest, they completely exhaust you, you have to face the reality of what you’ve done, and it isn’t pleasant. But you absolutely HAVE to make dua!!! It’s key to the cleansing process of the soul – and every cleansing process is painful. Don’t let Shaytaan trick you,  and say that “What you have done is beyond Allah’s mercy” – that in itself is a thought that can lead to disbelief, and is completely haram. I felt so light after the dua, at some peace.

It was sincere, and I asked Allah to purify my heart in case there was any insincerity in that dua.

Highlights of the dua:

Ya Allah, forgive me for choosing this filth over You!!! Astakh Firullah!!!

Ya Allah, if You are angry with me, then who I am I to turn to?

Ya Allah, if You have rejected me, then what kind of filth am I truly?

Ya Allah, if You don’t love me – crying loudly – then where am I to go to, what purpose is left within me?

So Ya Allah, forgive me for my shortcomings, I have no one to ask refuge from Your Anger than from You, Ya Allah. Do not turn Your Face away from me, and reject me as I have turned my face from You – and have disobeyed You when I knew what was wrong, and when I knew what would distance me from You and chose it anyway.

Ya Allah, don’t expose my sins in front of the Rasool Sal Allahu Alayhi Wa Salim on the day of Judgment, how am I to live with what I have committed Ya Allah!!!

Ya Allah, I make a solemn conviction to stop what I am doing Ya Allah, I will trade in this life and all of its vain desires for safety from the Fire, for closeness to You, so Ya Allah, help me carry out this conviction, help me for I am weak, and allow me to stay clean and forgive me if I falter in path, and guide me straight again.

Dua Afterthoughts:

I made a conviction – and know I have to use what Allah gave me to solve this problem – my brain. I have to use strategies to keep me away from these addictions.

1) I need to pray 5 times a day

2) I need to stay BUSY – with school, with quran, with actual activities, with my family, so that my mind doesn’t wander off to filth

3) I need to learn to hate porn and masturbation – I need to emotionally appreciate its ugliness and the pain it can lead to.

This isn’t going to happen now, but this needs to start now.

Ya Allah make it easy for me,

Ameen