Update and a Very Good Morning

October 14th, 2009

Update:

I just prayed Fajr, made dhikr, and cried during my dua, and after praying Fajr, I recited Quran. I prayed all my prayers on time yesterday, except for Fajr which was 2 minutes late – but praying Isha at night really helps a person wake up for Fajr. I feel at peace now.

Yesterday, I was really busy with studying for midterm examinations, and I was in the university library all day long. I was busy and didn’t have time to go on the computer, and therefore didn’t even think of porn, or masturbation. I got home at 10pm, and went on the computer to watch some TV shows. This is when the awareness that I was alone and that I had the possiblity to watch porn and masturbate came upon me – I didn’t respond but instead prayed Isha and went to sleep, making me masturbation and porn free for 1 day.

The computer is a dangerous place to be.

This Morning:

I want to note that as of this morning, I’m having a severe fever – my ears are hurting, my eyes are hurting, and I frequently explode into a coughing fits that keep going until my abs hurt.  And yet still, this is an amazing morning – why? I prayed Fajr – and I prayed it with some level of concentration.

During my dua, I remembered something about the 3rd Caliph, Uthman Ibn Affan radhiAllahu anhu, who said to the effect that he was more focused on the punishment of the grave then the punishment of Hellfire. The reason being that the punishment of the grave is almost right after you die, and the punishment of Hellfire doesn’t come until the End of Times. And if you receive punishment in the grave, you will spend the time up to the Day of Judgment being punished , knowing that a much more painful torment is in the Hellfire.

The punishment of the grave (azab-e-kabr) is frightening because you have absolutely no idea when you will die, and the punishment in the grave is waiting for your death. Your death is at an appointed time, and it might be today, it might be in your sleep, it might be a crazy gunmen who runs into a university lecture hall and shoots you and 4 other people before pulling the trigger on himself. I can appreciate that right now, especially because some family members have died recently, my mother is very sick, and I also have a fever. Not to mention the spreading H1N1 influenza viruses that are actually resulting in death.

A part of my dua was this:

Ya Allah, forgive me for my sins, because if I die today, I will not be prepared for the grave, I will not be prepared for the hereafter.

A dua is just words, until you feel those words through your heart. Note that these duas weren’t something I wrote beforehand, and then read aloud. They were something that came forth spontaneously during my repentance , and because they were spontaneous, they were sincere.

What I am saying is that for sincere dua, and in fact, for sincere communication with Allah, you have to reflect on the religion, on the reality of life and the hereafter. This reflection leads to a realization, an enlightenment, a greater appreciation for the reality of everything. This realization leads to sincere feelings and sincere communication and sincere dua with Allah Almighty.

I can tell you, as I type these words, I feel a sincere sense of “SubhanAllah!!!”, for the way Allah Almighty asks us to reflect, how He invites us to search for a greater understanding of Him and of the deen that He Almighty prescribed for us.

Constantly Allah Almighty asks us to reflect, to think, to try and understand the implications of His Words, of His Proofs, of His Ayats.

This is the beauty of the religion, the beauty of Allah Subhana-u-atala!!! The Quran doesn’t just ask you to accept things without question, it asks you to reflect – to feel.

Had We sent down this Quran on a mountain, you would surely have seen it humbling itself and rending asunder by the fear of Allah. Such are the parables which We put forward to mankind that they may reflect (59:21)

Say (to them O Muhammad SAW): “I exhort you on one (thing) only: that you stand up for Allah’s sake in pairs and singly, and reflect (within yourselves the life history of the Prophet SAW): there is no madness in your companion (Muhammad SAW), he is only a warner to you in face of a severe torment.” (34:46)

And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect. (30:21)

And it is He Who spread out the earth, and placed therein firm mountains and rivers and of every kind of fruits He made Zawjain Ithnain (two in pairs – may mean two kinds or it may mean: of two sorts, e.g. black and white, sweet and sour, small and big, etc.) He brings the night as a cover over the day. Verily, in these things, there are Ayat (proofs, evidences, lessons, signs, etc.) for people who reflect. (13:3)

When I made my “spontaneous” dua, it came after reflection of the punishment of the grave in the eyes of Uthman Ibn Affan radhiAllahu anhu, and so my dua had some level of sincerity in it, and if there was any insincerity, I ask Allah Almighty to remove it purify my intentions. Ameen.

This relates to my struggle now with the filth of masturbation and porn – I must constantly be aware of the reality that death is appointed for me, and I have no idea when it is – and I am nowhere near prepared for judgment – and I MUST fix myself NOW!!!! I also know that I should spend every moment of vacant time in reflection of Allah, whether on the bus, walking, or the few minutes in bed before falling asleep.

Every step I take on the sidewalk, every morsel of food I eat, and every breath I take could be the end of my days, and my time to be set in the grave where the questions will be asked, and my family and friends will leave me, and I will be alone with my deeds, not able to increase the good that I did, or decrease the bad that I did.

This life is a preparation for the grave, a preparation for an examination.

May Allah guide me to the straight path, and cleanse my soul from the love of this life, and help me constantly remember the reality of the grave, and the reality of the Day of Judgment, and grant all of the Muslims the same

Ameen